31 YEARS LATER

SO. Know how DK and I got all married? Remember that? It was very nice, and everyone had a lovely time, and now we are husband and wife. And this week, our little family celebrated its first family tradition.

DK's birthday. Because, people? THIS IS HOW FAMILY TRADITIONS BEGIN. Yes. I have figured it out.

A year ago, (woo, tangent) my then...uhh, oh. A year ago, DK, and I were boyfriend and girlfriend. Wait a minute. We looped from boyfriend to fiance to husband in a year? No, shut up. We are not having this conversation.

Still, also remember how I surprised DK with the love of his life for his 30th birthday? Because I am a nerd and also obsessed with getting people timeless birthday gifts? Even people who do not care TO REMEMBER MY BIRTHDAY? Although, this really, realllly, gets to me. And I want to skin them alive. And want to use their skulls as soup bowls. 

But also, because I was a smart, loving and thoughtful girlfriend?

 

Only that, see: (and here is where I try to blame my own personal mistakes on my poor, long-suffering husband; let's watch!) the past one year has proved that that, is not entirely true. Because; let me tell you something about this, you guys: Pianos are addictive. They are crack for people who like music and G-clefs and stuff, and yes, it is a dorky addiction, but holy lord. If you peep through our keyhole on a Saturday, this is what you will most likely see:

So, sadly, as evidenced by the powers of crappy art above: I was not a smart, loving and thoughtful girlfriend. I was an idiot. 

And you figured I have learned my lesson in the last one year, right? RIGHT? Wrong. 

Guess what I bought DK this year? (read: idiot)

For the love of tradition and keeping it alive, where our grandchildren will BATTLE over who remembered DK's (now grandpa's) birthday first, people, like there will be name-calling and hair-pulling, but then the whole thing will prove to be for naught when some poor great-great-grandchild forgets, DK The Great's birthday, and his mother will sob and to save skull from being used as a soup bowl, the child will have to seek THERAPY, because WAY TO RUIN FAMILY TRADITION, JUNIOR, and yes.

Happy birthday, my love.

Who Made it Monday?

Sigh. You guys? Seriously? What is wrong with me? I have been driving the last...six years (according to my driver's license), and for the majority of that time, NOTHING HAPPENED. 

I did not run into things. Things did not run into me. We just went on, happy with the universe and the road system, and even though sometimes the car broke down or caught fire, AT LEAST it did not attack nearby objects. This year's re-energized car? Not like that! It has anger issues! It hits!

And again, what it hit, was a motherfucking wall. 

(Please let us note how I like to think I am not at all responsible for this. I blame the car. Possibly I should blame the WALL, which obviously jumped out in front of the car. EVERYONE is to blame, really. YOU ARE LOOKING GUILTY TO ME RIGHT NOW.) 

Actually I know who is to blame. Ian Duncan.

I am very serious about this. Saturday last, we woke up excited about spectating the KCB Rally that was to take place in Kajiado. But guess the planning what, the Rally had been postponed! On Saturday morning! Until further notice. And given that DK and I were not armed with this bit of important information, we drove allllllllllllll the way past Kiserian enroute Kajiado, when a very tall and polite Maasai guy, (who was also hawking land; probably his father's) hit us with the astonishing fact that no speedy-rally cars had been seen on that route.

So angry and hungry, we went out for some barbequed meat in Olepolos and thank you very much y'all Crappy Organizers, my husband is now an initiate of some Maasai cult. I don't cheat you.

Proudly presenting to you; Oledikei.

But thankfully, further notice was not too far apart. The rally was rescheduled to take place yesterday in Athi River instead. And for the love of speed, we couldn't miss it.

So again, we drove allllllll the way from Kajiado County, through Nairobi County and to Machakos county. You will note that Oledikei and I spent a lot of time together in the car this past weekend, driving to and from Kajiado County. Also please note that while inside the said car, we turn the volume up to thirty five and compete in who raps best to Eminem's songs throughout the journey. This is, incidentally, an important aspect of our marriage.

The thrill of the rally cars cruising the weathered rough roads, however, is an unforgettable experience. It is especially thrilling when the vehicles would veer off the designated path, turning at sharp corners on two wheels and subsequently whomever raised the most amount of dust from its ground home, was our hero.
 
The drivers know this and embraced every opportunity to show off. Oh the crowd would cheer and our hearts couldn't be merrier.

And when the results were out, Ian Duncan, the legend, obviously, scooped the award! Again! In this car.

That guy DRIVES.CRAZY.FAST.

And drinks champagne. And Oledikei even asked for an opportunity to challenge him on the road. Told you I don't cheat.

Unfortunately, we, Oledikei, lost verrrrry narrowly. That I'm lying about; it was a big margin.

And uhm. I started this post with a story. So what happened, was that I was arriving at the office this morning. (Remember, those many pictures ago?) And I turned to park, and there was another car on the right side and kind of, another one on the other side, and so I had to eeeeeeeease in in my space in this horrible, awful parking garage. And I was going very verrrrrrry slowly, because there are walls and cars and poles, like, EVERYWHERE in this garage, and people are always banging into them, and my boss got so sick of having to repair his car from the many times he has sideswiped this one particular column that he finally decided that large scratch = FINE, and goes on with his life.

So, I eased in, and I did not hit anything! Yay! And then I reversed, so I could come in straight, kind of proud of myself for my super sweet maneuvering abilities. So as I stepped back to go forward, THAT IS WHEN I HEARD THIS:

Sccccccccrape.

At which point my heart? The one in my chest? It stopped. I slammed on the brakes, tumbled out of the car and ran around to the front side, AND THERE WAS THE WALL kissing and making out with the front bumper of the car. And of course it was huge, enormous, stoney and toothy and grinning and EVIL, and I had to bite my lip and remind myself that we do not CRY when we are wearing our Big Girl Suit. We do not cry! WE BLAME OTHERS.

So, I kicked the wall. This...did not help. And now I may need new shoes, and possibly I broke my toe, because it turns out that the walls around here are made of...stone. 

So. This is probably a sign. This could be KIND OF A FAST AND CRAPPY WEEK, with the wall attacking and the scratch and unforeseen money spending. I deserve a break today! I should go purchase some shoes.

And y'all slow drivers? I am coming for you. Because from now henceforth my driving is inspired. By Ian Duncan and the love of my life, Oledikei.

I'm not afraaaid,...Booty,Booty,Booty, To the window...And the wall...