SOPHIE

Around this time of year, I am always approached by people who want me to write letters of recommendation for them. Why anyone thinks that I am important enough to write a letter of recommendation sort of defies all understanding, but I am guessing that those unfortunate people who do approach me with this request are, at that point, desperate, and have exhausted their options down accordingly.

So, instead of, "I would like a letter of recommendation from a well-respected highly placed professional" (and I am not a member of that group), they have now settled on, "I will happily accept a letter of recommendation from anyone with a pulse, and who is not addicted to miraa, please God." Now, this group of people -- Group Two -- this is the category I fall into. And so do kangaroos, Smokey, my cat, and probably most contestants on Tusker Project Fame.

Also, as I was writing Sophie’s letter, I got to thinking, with the generation behind us, maybe it will get harder to find people who can write your letters of recommendation and do so in complete words and sentences, rather than filling the recommendation page with a perplexing language of annoying text-speak, sort of, "Thx xo muxh 4 axking!! Sophie is v. xmart & kwul!!!OMG!!; u shd let hr wak in yua cmpny. xoxox!! Mwaa!!" Although, now that I have actually typed that out and sort of finished the thought, it occurs to me that, wouldn't that...kind of rock? Seriously, wouldn't it be kind of funny to get a recommendation letter written in high school textspeak? If I were in charge of the world, I would admit the person as a matter of principle. But, I kind of imagine that this is not what the recommendees are hoping for, so I guess I am going to have to restrain myself. And it is hard. And I am, completely, totally off my original point, what were we talking about?

Oh yeah. So, Sophie, is one of my best friends (she’s back on friendship probation currently but that I’ll explain in a different forum) You can read all about her here. She’s also one of the ladies in my life who stay up at night making my cat dinner because I’m down at the coast having a good time and because she’s an amazing person, last week she baked her parents a cake in the shape of a cow eating grass. And because that sentence is true, she needs some letters of recommendation, and she asked the human resource guy to ask me to write one. And that is no problem, because I like Sophie, and Sophie is smart, and it is not difficult to write a recommendation for people who (a) I actually know, (b) I actually like, and (c) Are actually smart. Those recommendations are easy slip-ons! On those recommendations, I can think of things to say other than "Her shoe collection is both extensive in number and unparalleled in variety," or "I am pleased to report that recently, this candidate has been working out more frequently."

But, I got to thinking (God, what’s with this got to thinking thingy today?) when I started writing Sophie's letter, and I started to wonder how, exactly, one could compose a letter of recommendation that actually served to un-recommend someone, but which did so in a way that made it kind of hard to tell, on first glance, that the writer kind of thinks that the person is a dunce. But one where anyone with at least a mild IQ is laughing uncontrollably, and thinking, "Dude, this chic must be a total blockhead. I am going to burn her application as an offering to the cats of the world."

Anyway, I was sort of inspired by this thought, but I was ten times more inspired by the thought that, hey! I get an opportunity to mess with my friend’s head! Because, seeing as she is not an idiot, she will read the letter and know it is not nice, but she will also wonder if I have actually sent it off and now she is stuck with a recommendation that makes people want to sit in a zone after reading it, and HA that is funny to me, particularly if she reads it alone when it is really, really late at night.

So, as soon as the actual, glowing, compliment and accomplishment-filled letter was actually written and mailed, I sat myself down and wrote a second letter. And then I printed that letter on professional letterhead, made a copy of it for Sophie, and gave it to her neighbor to deliver, along with the message that I am always happy to help a friend in need, because I don't know if she knows this or not, but evidently, I am some kind of a saint.

I hereby share this letter with y'all, kangaroos, Smokey White, all the people illustrated in Group 2, and anyone else who wants to find a professional way to communicate the fact that the person you're writing about has the IQ of a spoon. You are all my beloved people, and this is for you:

ANNIE KAGWI’S HANDY LETTER OF NONRECOMMENDATION

(Official names withheld to protect innocent people who are afraid of the zone)

CONFIDENTIAL

Members of Some Fancy Ass Department
Address
More address

RE: Letter of Recommendation for Sophie

To the Members of the Fancy Ass Department:

I am writing this letter at the request of Innocent Member of Department, acting as a referee for Sophie who is awaiting confirmation for employment with your Company. I hope the following proves helpful as you undertake the difficult recruitment process.

I have known Sophie for some amount of time, and I can honestly state that, if you are looking for a person like Sophie to work at your organization, then Sophie is your girl! She will absolutely meet your expectations for someone with her qualifications. Furthermore, the abilities and skills she possesses will satisfy any requirements you may have for those particular skills and abilities. In addition to everything else, Sophie has both interests and hobbies, which she enjoys on some occasions. And, in some limited ways, those interests and hobbies could potentially help Sophie to increase in both skill and ability, thereby enriching her as a person.

Sophie has numerous accomplishments, including some attendance at both educational establishments and in the professional world. In both places, Sophie was continually well known for her various attributes, and clearly met even the lowest expectations for success. No one expected anything less!

To conclude, having known Sophie for an amount of time, I can tell you that there are few people like Sophie in this world. As such, Sophie is a unique individual, and a far cry from other people who are not precisely the same. I am sure that her uniqueness will make quite a difference at your Organization.

For the above reasons, I again offer you this letter of recommendation, and I thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Annie Kagwi.

P.S.: Sophie is very thoughtful; she baked her parents a cow cake.

If you did not guess, the P.S. is both optional and awesome, and absolutely present on Sophie's letter.

So, tune in soon, my most beloved, so we can all find out whether Sophie supernaturally turned me into a cow.