Me= still loves you
You=patient and also
You= good looking. Did you get a haircut? Is that a new shirt? Because
You=look different and you smell nice…
Anyway, y’all? This new job? The one where I go every morning? Is fucking BUSY. They want a lot of this work business done at all crazy hours and apparently it will calm down soon but right now, am hoping someone will show up and kill me already because hoo Boy, with all the work? It hurts my head part.
I’m only human Boss People, I may look capable; but that is just an illusion, in reality, I have not the faintest idea of what I am doing.
But uuh, I couldn’t ignore this blank screen anymore "SCREEN IS BLANK AND LONELY, I REPEAT, SCREEN BLANK, CALLING EMERGENCY FORCES, OVER AND OUT," and so here I am, at almost dawn on a 'schoolnight', typing drivel...and especially after getting a call from Carolina - my bestie, who at times leaves teary comments on my blog and who is super-excited because she saw me on T.V. yesterday and thinks I’ll buy her a house on an island somewhere because SHE, is a celebrity already.
We were launching the new Global Watch products in the security industry in Kenya so Citizen Television’s Movers and Shakers featured our company launch and no, I wasn’t on the screen for long-I didn’t even see me because I was working but I think I was there because everyone called and Carolina was all like I SAW IT I SAW IT DID YOU SEE IT? I SAW IT and I immediately called my mother who answered and was screaming I SAW IT I SAW IT and the phone was ringing off the hook and everyone SAW IT.
So, I didn’t call Carolina today and I don’t call her everyday but she insists that I didn't call because I was hanging out with famous people. Would you believe she wasn’t kidding?
Phone: Rings. Self: Hello?
Carolina: Your were on the TELEVISION!
Self: You told me that yesterday.
Carolina: Are you so excited?
Self: I actually missed it, told you I was working, but, yes! For a fraction of a second, I ruled.
Carolina: You DO rule! Go, you. Hanging with all the famous people…
Self: I know!
Carolina:…kissing all the famous peo—
Self: WHOA THERE. HALT. NO.
Carolina: What?
Self: Who said kissing?
Carolina: Whatever, I was waiting for your call to tell me these incredible celebrity stories, and I have to just sit and wait?
Self: What?
Carolina: Well, you know...about...Julie Gichuru?
Self: "..."
Carolina: Where she does her hair, who makes her clothes?
Self: Oh, I should know that already?
Carolina: Did you see how Mitchel Morgan looked at you?
Self: Oh, I should know that already?
Carolina: Did you see how Mitchel Morgan looked at you?
Carolina:Yeah, you totally need to write about them on the internet.
Self: SIGH. You are really testing my patience here, little lady.
Carolina: Yeah. But, c'mon, can’t you write something?Self: SIGH. You are really testing my patience here, little lady.
Self: What, about a famous person?
Carolina: I can give you something...
Self: Yeah? Anything. Even just a sighting or something. I can still make nineteen paragraphs out of it, for I am wordy.
Carolina: Yeah, so I noticed. Okay, let me think. Hmm. There's...Oh!
Self: ?
Carolina: Okay: So, there's this day, David Njogu asked to hold my hair.
Self: …
Carolina: He’s really nice.
Self: Who's David?
Carolina: A radio presenter, you're so not famous, bitch!
Self: Ok, so, how do you…what?
Carolina: What, what?
Self: “Hold your hair”?
Carolina: Yeah, it was raining.
Self: And…okay, I fail to see how that particular fact is relevant, but I mean, are we talking about the hair that is attached to your head, currently? Or do you have some alternate hair? Hair that is independent from your scalp?
Carolina: No, my hair. Attached-to-my-scalp hair.
Self: I…what?
Carolina:See, it was raining, and my hair was all frizzy, and David Njogu walked up to me and handed me an umbrella and said, “Do you know what this is?”
Self: Aw! David Njogu made a joke at you!
Carolina: I know! He is adorable. And I laughed and said, yeah, I understand the concept, but I am only a lowly consultant and they do not let me work with the big equipment yet.
Self: Oh, u flirt!
Carolina: And then he asked to hold my hair.
Self: See, and this is where you are losing me again. “Hold your hair.”
Carolina: Like, touch it or whatever.
Self: Huh.
Carolina: Because it was all frizzy and crazy from the rain. Everyone always wants to touch my hair.
Self: And…did you let him?
Carolina:Shit, yeah! It’s David Njogu!
Self: Yeah, I totally would have let him touch my hair, too.
Carolina: I wanted to tell him he doesn't look Meruish. Something to let him know that I think he is awesome.
Self: Well, you let him hold your hair. Not everyone gets such special treatment.
Carolina: Very true. Like, if TPF's Mitch wanted to hold my hair, I would have him arrested.
Self: Yeah.
Carolina: Yeah.
(pause.)
Self: So, one time Martin Gitonga held my skull.
Carolina: OH, HERE WE GO.
Self: What?
Carolina: Do you ever not have a story? Seriously. I can go all day telling people that David Njogu held my hair and everyone will just look at me, all stunned, because how do you compete with that? You can’t. Until I tell you, and OF FUCKING COURSE you’re all, well, MartinSomeone held my skull.
Self: Uuuh, well--
Carolina: And who is…oh yeah, I remember him. So, fine, go on and tell me, I know you're just dying to get this out. He held your skull.
Self: Yeah. Well, not mine personally, but a skull I had with me at the time.
Carolina: Wait, what the hell are you talking about? You were carrying a spare skull? Are you studying forensics on the side?
Self: No, it was—
Carolina: I’m sorry, is this phone call interrupting your important archaeological dig?
Self: NO, I –
Carolina: Be honest. There’s a femur in your handbag right now. Isn’t there?
Self: SHUT UP. It was not a person skull it was a cow skull thingy.
Carolina: Yeah, that is waaaaaay more normal.
Self: No, it was like a tourist souvenir from some country or whatever, and…
Carolina: Listen, you can justify this all you want, but you might as well not bother. This phone call is definitely being tapped by this point. You just went up on about seven most wanted lists, Miss Skull Carrier.
Self: From a museum!
Carolina: You took a skull from the museum? HEY G.S.U! DID YOU GET THAT? MY FRIEND TOOK A SKULL FROM THE MUSEUM. ALSO I THINK SHE HATES FREEDOM.
Self: Listen, it is a long story, and it was not mine, but I did find myself in the position of carrying an old cow skull, or bull skull, or some damn thing, in a canvas sack.
Carolina: Sure thing, ahuh?
Self: And it was all delicate and breaky, and so I carried it with me to the shelves, and put it on one with human skeletons or something…
Carolina: Wait, this is truly beginning to disturb me, and yet I must hear more. Go on. So you put a cow skull on a shelf with human skeletons?
Self: Yeah, only I couldn't get it to the top shelf where the rest of the cow animal skulls were.
Carolina: Uh huh.
Self: So I’m hopping up and down and trying to get my arms to the top shelf when someone behind me goes, “Allow me,” and reaches in there and grabs the sack, and pulls it out.
Carolina: Uh huh.
Self: And it was Martin! And I was about to thank him when he glanced inside the sack, and did a double take, and looked at me, and then looked at the bag, and then opened the bag, and then looked at me, and I was like, “…”, and he was like, ‘Here’s your…head,” and I said, “Thank you Martin,” and then he goes away very fast.
Carolina: And went immediately to the nearest police station.
Self: Most likely. I was carrying some head that should not leave display shelves but whatever.
Carolina: It’s weird, though, isn’t it? David Njogu held my hair. Martin Gitonga held your skull.
Self: Yes. What an unusual “coincidence.”
Carolina: We are destined to have body parts held by famous people!
Self: It’s like a super power we can’t control! If only we could choose the part. And the person.
Carolina: Yeah, I’d take “boobs” and “David Mathenge.”
Self: “Little toe” and “Judge Ian.”
Carolina: Oh, ew. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES do I want these people to hold my parts.
Self: Well, stay out of Nairobi, then. I don’t think I can protect you. It is your destiny.
Carolina: Some help you are. Here I am, thinking you’re all important after you were on the television for a fraction of a second.
Self: Shut up.
Carolina: Yeah, you – hey! You are famous!
Self: Damn skippy.
Carolina: So…BFF?
Self: Wha-- oh. NO.
Carolina: Will you…hold my spleen? It’s just so heavy, and –
Self: (click)
Carolina: – warm, and…hello?
Self: (dial tone)
So, there you go. Famous people hold our stuff. It is not something we can control; it is a force of nature too strong to be reckoned with. Maybe if you keep watching Citizen T.V's Movers and Shakers, I'll be able to buy a house in Madagascar and Carolina will be...legendary.
